Trust in God

okay…I’m sad again, its back…but this time I’ll trust Allah.

توكلت على الله

God, I hope I get out of this state soon. Please pray for me.

…For the record, I know that my life is 1000% better than most others. I have so much good, I should be more grateful for that. This post isn’t in the attitude of “woe is me, I’ll dress in all black and cut myself!” No, not like that.

The prayer of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, when he was in his absolute lowest moments of life.

اللهم إليك أشكو ضعف قوتي وقلة حيلتي وهواني على الناس ياأرحم الراحمين أنت أرحم الراحمين  أنت رب المستضعفين وأنت ربي إلى من تكلني إلى عدو يتجهمني أم إلى صديق مكلته إمري إن لم يكن بك غضب علي فلا أبالي ولكن عافيتك هي أوسع لي أعوذ بنور وجهك الذي أضاءت له السموات و الأرض  وأشرقت له الظلمات وصلح عليه أمر الدنيا والأخره  أن ينزل بي غضبك أو يحل علي سخطك لك العتبى حتى ترضى ولاحول ولاقوة إلابك

 “O Allah, I complain to you of my weakness, and my plan is not working, and how insignificant I am to others, O Most Merciful of the Merciful, you are the lord of those who have no power, and you are my lord. Who are you going to leave me to? To some distant person who will be like the Fire to me? Or to some enemy who you give him power over me? If you have no anger towards me, then I have no objections. But making it easier is lighter upon me. I seek refuge in the divine light of your face, by which even the darkness becomes illuminated. And all of this world and the next world is taken care. I seek refuge that your wrath upon me, or your anger descends upon me. You can do whatever until you are pleased. And there is no power and no change except you.”


Broken, but not beyond repair

I sat with my Shaykh for the first time in 3-4 months. He asked me right out if I had been losing weight. I guess I had, didn’t even realized. He asked me to check my weight, I went from the mid to high 160s to low 150 in…not sure how long. I guess I’m really sad.

I am very very sad. I find myself sleeping too much, sometimes late into the day, once until 4pm. I won’t let that happen again. I don’t hang out with anyone anymore, I tend to stay by myself, I just go to work and come home. To be honest, I feel like a loser, a bum, a left-behind.

I’m cracked and water keeps seeping in. And yes, the foundation has damage, major damage. But I’m not beyond repair. I still cook for my family, I clean, I drive my mom around when she doesn’t want to, I run errands, I give charity, I work feverishly on a few personal projects. I don’t wallow in my own self-pity (well, sometimes in the mornings and late nights, but not for too long). That’s one thing I don’t like about modern Internet culture, the self-pity. I guess I do it too, but not the way they do it.

I don’t plan on offing myself or anything like that. I try to be strong for those around me. I try to maintain hope that maybe I’ll get out of this predicament. I do things to make others happy.

This pain only makes me feel for others, all people. They’re human beings just like me with feelings and soft hearts. Maybe when I’m out of the darkness, I can help others out too.